I molested 6 butterflies tonight
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Someone signed my nipple.
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