i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
