this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
