There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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