your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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