The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
