On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.