You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
