I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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