i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
