He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
