mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
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She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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