I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Randomize
