Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
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he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
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His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???