Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
