I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy