I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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