The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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