I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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