I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This toilet bowl is my home.
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