I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
