I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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