I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just blew my weed a kiss
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
