I'm laying in your front yard are you home
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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