an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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