I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
