There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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