I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
