I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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