Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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