enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
