Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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