I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have fence marks all over my body
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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