Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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