Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
