i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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