their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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