that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
