kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
