Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
