If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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