my phone needs a breathalizer
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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