I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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