Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
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My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
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honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize