I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
