My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just pee around me
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
