my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
you never un-have a 4some
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
