dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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