My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
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Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
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yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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