Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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