I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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