I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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