He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
