Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
