my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
