I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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