Don't make out with my wife yet
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
