Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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