I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
