i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
