this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
