Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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