woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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